Jesus H. Christos! This has been one heck of a week. Seems like just yesterday I was asking my partner of 15 years "who are you seeing"? and he was answering, with the answer I didn't want to hear. Ugh, gross, yuk..Yak! So, where does this leave us, he and I, and her I suppose in this weird week of going from a twosome, to a threesome and now back to a twosome with onesome possibilities, all in my mind of course? Well, she is no longer in the triangle, hmm, well the picture. After a few days of very painful going back and forth apparently I am the chosen one. That he "caught some feelings" for her was a hard pill to swallow, heaven help us, I would rather he caught an STD! They make medicine for that.
We talked, and talked and talked some more. This is likely more actually sitting down and sharing feelings than we have in like, forever. Talking is our thing though so easier than expected, we just generally talk about all our weird ideas and conspiracy theories, religion, work, music, tarot, magicking, etc...
I mean, I had words, and lots more still but as Mercury retrograde begins tomorrow, on our stinking anniversary of meeting one another, I am striving to keep quiet. Who knows what insanity might leave my mouth or his. I have been pleading, angry, directive, reflective, vulnerable, lost and sarcastic and maybe a bit beyond mean. Who could blame me? I am the one who was cheated on here. But weirdly enough, he has feelings too, a big softy he is and I always recognize that in. him, he feels things deeply. Then there is the alcohol. He relapsed during this charade of a shit-show after 5ish months of sobriety. So, fuck a duck, I was even trying to make sure he was ok, that is my job anyhow, to make sure he is ok, like some divine fucking charge from the cruel universe, I feel tasked with that.
And the tarot, I have never thought, would have never thought, that reading the cards and drawing from their guidance would be such a fruitful and fulfilling activity. He drew the fool and me the moon, then both touched hands and drew the hierophant. And of we go on our journeys, he out, me in and ye gods help us to find the higher truth in this. We just kept reading and seeking and things have started to line up, we got confirmation after confirmation that I'm not a psycho and he has some work to do, we both do. Some of the things I can see happening prior to this are things I know have eroded the fun and the spontaneity of our relationship. I have neglected the man I love a bit, we grew mundane and were just living the grind. Outside of that though, he's a real piece of work doing this shit and me finding out right before our anniversary, and here we still are dealing with this fallout on a day of retrograde and a day we need to not communicate and other than repeating I guess it's all been said now.
The cards may have saved us but time will tell if it is so. I feel it is all illusionary at the moment and fleeting and I will wake up and it will be lost in the fog of a dream. Scared of being appeased temporarily until he feels comfortable enough moving on. But we talked and read cards and did some amazing magical work together and the universe dropped hints and signs and some outright very clear messages to us.
Will we survive this? He is going on the road and I am staying here to think and heal and we will keep talking and he's not leaving me stranded but helping out and I am focused on some other goals which will be helped by this time away. Trust is all I have to have this, not trust in him, that is broken for now, but trust in a higher power that seems to have taken the wheel here. I have ideas to put more words down, and take a sabbatical into the desert and then get my goals all sewn up (literally!).
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