On fear, fear is so insidious. It slips in and out of my mind like a serpent and as soon as I think it has slid away into the corners and out, it flicks its tongue at me, head popping up just around my ears and in its slithering voice telling me, “he’s doubting you, he’s leaving you, he’s trying to give you the house so he can go on without worry of any obligations, he won’t marry you because he really wants to be with someone else, he feels tied down to you but not connected to you, he isn’t that into you anymore, he will be weirded out by sex with you”, "he still won't want you to see his phone because he is hiding stuff in there from you". And dammit he needs to hand that shit over! This is my mind about half the time now. The other time is more hopeful, waiting on his texts like a silly child, wanting to talk to him, hoping he checks his Facebook to see my posts (which he really hates to do so not holding out on that one), thinking of ways to have fun in bed, trying to focus on work while at work and trying to fast and work out. I hate this. I wish I was secure again, safe again and now I wonder if I will ever feel safe. Was I ever really safe, how many times. has he gotten away with it? I want to see that damn phone, and his email, I want passwords, I want to know how in the hell he managed to have sex with that chick in the daytime, at work, was he taking off, was he putting her up in a motel, like what were the logistics of this thing, he was home every fucking night and on the weekends? What does this stupid thought bug me so much and why do I want those details, probably so I am not so stupid next time and know what to be aware of. These are the 3am thoughts that wake me up at night. This though is the first time, I guess it does come in waves. But Goddamn it! I want him to say he loves me and wants to be with me without me having to ask him, without him sounding like he's only doing it to shut me up. I want him to marry me, but I really just want to be a wife, the one, the chosen on the pedestal that made it, I'm tired of being the cast off that got second place. Fuck him, fuck this, fuck fuck fuck. It does come in waves, the sound of his voice again has me back to a better state of mind, I fear the slipping away, the ghosting of his image in my mind over time, the pulling back and sublties of things that make me nervous. Thank you sound of voice and also 8 of swords. The cards read me better than I read myself and telling me to get control of my negative thoughts, to reighn in my fears, stay present in the moment and this too, shall pass. I am not going insane, I am working on healing.

 The mind is so powerful, a beast if it's not controlled. I feel like this journey I am on has been going for so many, many years. I remember when I came up with Operation SoulShift. I had just left Sojourner Center and got my first computer, an iMac. I wanted to write everything, then life happened and kept happening and many of the things in my head never made it out of there. Now I just don't know, there it all is up there rumbling around but my mind, my angry and fearful thoughts are front and center. 

This last two weeks has been incredibly taxing and I feel such exhaustion. I didn't expect to find myself here but here I am. Trust is going to take some time and knowing that the person I love actually "caught feelings" for the person they were with is just bizarrely painful. That phrase, "caught feelings" really bugs me. Do you set out a trap and hope the feelings will be ensured, is this a pursuit? Are they just whizzing around in the air and you have to grab on to them and pull them in? Do they get thrown at you like a ball?

Really this just means that over time something more developed than just sex and there were harder decisions to make and the untangling of the emotions which is where he is at. I get it but it doesn't make it easier to know that "I am choosing to be with you". I also had to make a choice to let him stay, that wasn't my intention at first, I just wanted it all gone and out and my instinct was to run. I've always ran after relationships ended in the past, just packed it in and left and started over elsewhere. This time I couldn't and honestly I didn't really want him to leave either. Something said this was worth fighting for. Now, here we are, together, making future plans again and he is verbally committing to change and we are both verbally committing to making things aright, working on what got us here and trying to make it better. Verbally. My thoughts are crazy though, the fear is overwhelming, that these are still just words I am believing because I want to hear them and believe. 

Madness. Well, this was a full blood moon eclipse tonight. Candle lit, prayers said. Prayers for peace for the monsters lurking in my mind. 

What a week and a few days. The Tarot Abides.

 Jesus H. Christos! This has been one heck of a week. Seems like just yesterday I was asking my partner of 15 years "who are you seeing"? and he was answering, with the answer I didn't want to hear. Ugh, gross, yuk..Yak! So, where does this leave us, he and I, and her I suppose in this weird week of going from a twosome, to a threesome and now back to a twosome with onesome possibilities, all in my mind of course? Well, she is no longer in the triangle, hmm, well the picture. After a few days of very painful going back and forth apparently I am the chosen one. That he "caught some feelings" for her was a hard pill to swallow, heaven help us, I would rather he caught an STD! They make medicine for that. 

We talked, and talked and talked some more. This is likely more actually sitting down and sharing feelings than we have in like, forever. Talking is our thing though so easier than expected, we just generally talk about all our weird ideas and conspiracy theories, religion, work, music, tarot, magicking, etc...

I mean, I had words, and lots more still but as Mercury retrograde begins tomorrow, on our stinking anniversary of meeting one another, I am striving to keep quiet. Who knows what insanity might leave my mouth or his. I have been pleading, angry, directive, reflective, vulnerable, lost and sarcastic and maybe a bit beyond mean. Who could blame me? I am the one who was cheated on here. But weirdly enough, he has feelings too, a big softy he is and I always recognize that in. him, he feels things deeply. Then there is the alcohol. He relapsed during this charade of a shit-show after 5ish months of sobriety. So, fuck a duck, I was even trying to make sure he was ok, that is my job anyhow, to make sure he is ok, like some divine fucking charge from the cruel universe, I feel tasked with that. 

And the tarot, I have never thought, would have never thought, that reading the cards and drawing from their guidance would be such a fruitful and fulfilling activity. He drew the fool and me the moon, then both touched hands and drew the hierophant. And of we go on our journeys, he out, me in and ye gods help us to find the higher truth in this. We just kept reading and seeking and things have started to line up, we got confirmation after confirmation that I'm not a psycho and he has some work to do, we both do. Some of the things I can see happening prior to this are things I know have eroded the fun and the spontaneity of our relationship. I have neglected the man I love a bit, we grew mundane and were just living the grind. Outside of that though, he's a real piece of work doing this shit and me finding out right before our anniversary, and here we still are dealing with this fallout on a day of retrograde and a day we need to not communicate and other than repeating I guess it's all been said now.

The cards may have saved us but time will tell if it is so. I feel it is all illusionary at the moment and fleeting and I will wake up and it will be lost in the fog of a dream. Scared of being appeased temporarily until he feels comfortable enough moving on. But we talked and read cards and did some amazing magical work together and the universe dropped hints and signs and some outright very clear messages to us. 

Will we survive this? He is going on the road and I am staying here to think and heal and we will keep talking and he's not leaving me stranded but helping out and I am focused on some other goals which will be helped by this time away. Trust is all I have to have this, not trust in him, that is broken for now, but trust in a higher power that seems to have taken the wheel here. I have ideas to put more words down, and take a sabbatical into the desert and then get my goals all sewn up (literally!).