On fear, fear is so insidious. It slips in and out of my mind like a serpent and as soon as I think it has slid away into the corners and out, it flicks its tongue at me, head popping up just around my ears and in its slithering voice telling me, “he’s doubting you, he’s leaving you, he’s trying to give you the house so he can go on without worry of any obligations, he won’t marry you because he really wants to be with someone else, he feels tied down to you but not connected to you, he isn’t that into you anymore, he will be weirded out by sex with you”, "he still won't want you to see his phone because he is hiding stuff in there from you". And dammit he needs to hand that shit over! This is my mind about half the time now. The other time is more hopeful, waiting on his texts like a silly child, wanting to talk to him, hoping he checks his Facebook to see my posts (which he really hates to do so not holding out on that one), thinking of ways to have fun in bed, trying to focus on work while at work and trying to fast and work out. I hate this. I wish I was secure again, safe again and now I wonder if I will ever feel safe. Was I ever really safe, how many times. has he gotten away with it? I want to see that damn phone, and his email, I want passwords, I want to know how in the hell he managed to have sex with that chick in the daytime, at work, was he taking off, was he putting her up in a motel, like what were the logistics of this thing, he was home every fucking night and on the weekends? What does this stupid thought bug me so much and why do I want those details, probably so I am not so stupid next time and know what to be aware of. These are the 3am thoughts that wake me up at night. This though is the first time, I guess it does come in waves. But Goddamn it! I want him to say he loves me and wants to be with me without me having to ask him, without him sounding like he's only doing it to shut me up. I want him to marry me, but I really just want to be a wife, the one, the chosen on the pedestal that made it, I'm tired of being the cast off that got second place. Fuck him, fuck this, fuck fuck fuck. It does come in waves, the sound of his voice again has me back to a better state of mind, I fear the slipping away, the ghosting of his image in my mind over time, the pulling back and sublties of things that make me nervous. Thank you sound of voice and also 8 of swords. The cards read me better than I read myself and telling me to get control of my negative thoughts, to reighn in my fears, stay present in the moment and this too, shall pass. I am not going insane, I am working on healing.