The mind is so powerful, a beast if it's not controlled. I feel like this journey I am on has been going for so many, many years. I remember when I came up with Operation SoulShift. I had just left Sojourner Center and got my first computer, an iMac. I wanted to write everything, then life happened and kept happening and many of the things in my head never made it out of there. Now I just don't know, there it all is up there rumbling around but my mind, my angry and fearful thoughts are front and center. 

This last two weeks has been incredibly taxing and I feel such exhaustion. I didn't expect to find myself here but here I am. Trust is going to take some time and knowing that the person I love actually "caught feelings" for the person they were with is just bizarrely painful. That phrase, "caught feelings" really bugs me. Do you set out a trap and hope the feelings will be ensured, is this a pursuit? Are they just whizzing around in the air and you have to grab on to them and pull them in? Do they get thrown at you like a ball?

Really this just means that over time something more developed than just sex and there were harder decisions to make and the untangling of the emotions which is where he is at. I get it but it doesn't make it easier to know that "I am choosing to be with you". I also had to make a choice to let him stay, that wasn't my intention at first, I just wanted it all gone and out and my instinct was to run. I've always ran after relationships ended in the past, just packed it in and left and started over elsewhere. This time I couldn't and honestly I didn't really want him to leave either. Something said this was worth fighting for. Now, here we are, together, making future plans again and he is verbally committing to change and we are both verbally committing to making things aright, working on what got us here and trying to make it better. Verbally. My thoughts are crazy though, the fear is overwhelming, that these are still just words I am believing because I want to hear them and believe. 

Madness. Well, this was a full blood moon eclipse tonight. Candle lit, prayers said. Prayers for peace for the monsters lurking in my mind.